Snaretallica: The Conspiracy Unfolds
by Jeremy Sanchez
I've done a lot of hard research on this subject, and through a careful, thorough investigation of the evidence which has been presented before us all these years; I have come up with a comprehensive, truth-filled examination of Lars Ulrich and his true defining purpose. Some time ago, I had stumbled upon a photograph of Metallica in their early years, in which they had just come out of a shower (possibly to wash off the reeking stench of failure). In said picture was Mr. Ulrich himself, holding open his bathrobe; exposing his phallus. What were my eyes treated to? Nothing but a little knob resembling somebody's thumb, or a bottle cap... You know, something very small, and stubby. Which brings us to exhibit: A.
In 2003 upon the début of the critically acclaimed masterpiece that was St. Anger (Mainly because of the fact that Lars had single handedly re-invented the drum set by cleverly taking out all the screws and de-tuning it), something peculiar stood out that seemed to capture everybody's attention and curiosity. But what did it mean? I'm talking about, of course, the album's art work. But we'll come back to that further on down the investigation.
After the sensational St. Anger ended its run, and faded from our playlists (but never our hearts); the band released their next magnum opus (and also exhibit: B) in 2009 entitled Death Magnetic. Expectations were soaring. But how could the fine young whipper-snappers of Metallica ever top what they had achieved in 2003? The band, or should I say, Lars, found a way. Knowing that literally the only way possible to ever create something greater than St. Anger, was to personally re-invent music (and sound) as we humans know it. Mr. Ulrich had finally achieved this feat by ingeniously replacing his snare drum with a garbage can. Now many people believe that this was the same garbage can Oscar the Grouch lived in, for every time it was hit it sounded as if something with bad table manners was in fact being brutally beaten to death. We reached out to the producers of Sesame Street for clarification on the matter, but Mr. Grouch could not be reached for comment. Though through a televised press release; Big Bird was quoted to say:
"Sesame Street and its sponsors do not, and will never condone the dangerous acts of Metallica and especially, Lars Ulrich."
Anyway, to further compliment their immaculate contraption called Death Magnetic. The album had quite possibly the most thought provoking album art of the decade which we will look at very shortly.
Then it all came to me. Like the way all DA LADIEZ do in the clubs. With ease and consent. Take a look at the cover for St. Anger. Allow it to fester in your brain for a minute:
Sunk in? Now let's move onto Exhibit B: Death Magnetic.
See where the investigation is leading? Ladies and gentlemen: my concluding evidence:
St. Anger has a picture of a fist on it. A fist that seems to be no stranger to the activity of bondage. Death Magnetic is (supposedly) a coffin. But now we can all see the truth... It's a gaping hairy vagina! And all this evidence revolves around that one incriminating photograph of Lars Ulrich exposing his (man?)hood in front of the camera all those years ago. For you see, since childbirth, Mr. Ulrich has been getting shit tossed his way for having an ill-equipped soldier in his armoury. This is the sole reason we have the two album covers in the way that they are. Case in point, the loud obnoxious un-tuned, loose snare.
You see, Death Magnetic is actually the continuation of St. Anger; whereas the pictures go hand in hand. (Or for this matter, hand in vag). Lars Ulrich plays his drums the way he does for the purpose of gaining our attention. Why? So we can all know that no matter what his penis size; he still FISTS PUSSY.